The recent passing away of my 91-year-old mother helped me realize how well she had prepared her three daughters for the professional world. All three of her granddaughters are also successful and ambitious professionals — unafraid of challenges and believing in the importance of relationships and family values.
Their granny was a stay-at-home mother and so were her mother and grandmothers. Mom created a generational change for the girls born into her family — she raised them with high aspirations while the rest of the world was still grappling with the scarcity of women in prestigious professions and with gender inequality.
Mom was an educated Indian housewife, who spent her first 64 years in India and the last 27 years in the US. She wore her sari neatly and admired British etiquette. She was also a traditionalist — deeply believing in Hindu scriptures and would have much preferred one son to three daughters.
Her motivation for pushing us girls into professional education and careers may have been to prove that her daughters were no less than sons. She was feisty and proud but also pragmatic; Indian sons take care of their elderly parents. The only way for Mom to be comfortable living with her daughters was if they earned as much as men did. There is no social security in India.
My mother was a disciplinarian, and unforgiving of idleness, stealing or lying. Of the three siblings, I was the only one who told lies when convenient. When I was seven, she caught me stealing from her purse because I wanted to buy candies. I was dispatched along with a servant to be left behind at the unguarded gates of the locality we lived in but thankfully that lasted only for a few hours.
In one of my moments of defiance, she lashed out at me and said that if I continued my ways, I would become a housewife. That was the last thing I wanted to be. But it also revealed her internal resolve.
My sisters and I looked up to our mother with admiration and respect — men often look at their mothers with love and fondness alone. Mother-daughter relationships tend to be arduous, as they interact at equal par. There is less emotion and more realism in the relationships because mothers have been where their daughters will be, with no mysteries in between.
For first-generation professional women, like me, as we maneuvered through careers, marriage and motherhood, we had to bring our spouses along too — with no one to model a marriage of equals. Changing cultural norms are hard for men and women alike.
We also had to arrange for reliable childcare. For demanding jobs with irregular hours and frequent travel, daycare was not the answer. I had to find a nanny when few agencies were around to provide household help.
When my hi-tech company went public, my daughters were two and six. My mother was unable to help because my father was in the advanced stage of Parkinson’s disease. I longed to be a good and nurturing mother, but unlike my own mom, I was too forgiving.
There are many books about how to raise confident daughters and nurture their self-esteem. I would argue that confidence is the outcome of success and not the cause. The main impediment to women’s progress is when parents do not celebrate their daughters’ successes and support their ambitions as much as they do their sons’. That message comes out when parents undermine them in the name of protecting them.
My mother threw us out into the world to learn, and if we were afraid we did not show it. We learned to be street fighters, won classroom wars, and competed vigorously in the professions we entered. After getting an engineering degree, I decided to come to UCLA for graduate studies. As I boarded the long flight, the smell of the meats made me sick — I was a vegetarian. Then an old American man sitting next to me tried to kiss me and was a constant irritant in the flight. As we changed flights in Tokyo, all I wanted was to turn around and go back — but I did not. I could not disappoint my mother.
As a final tribute to my mother, I would say that she was a lady with flair who lived on her own terms.
As we were bidding good-bye to her and as she lay sedated by morphine, her two granddaughters were painting her nails light pink — the color she selected. The three of us smiled through our tears. My mother seemed prepared for death and rather pleased with the proposal of the granddaughters — it could not get more endearing.
She lived with us for the last 14 years of her life. She will always be my hero because she changed the lives of generations of girls and women in her family. Her aspirations for us made it possible for us to fly high.
Aarti A
Sincere condolences. Deeply saddened by your loss.
Meenakshi Garg
Yes Nita Di, I second everything you have written about Dear Buaji. She was indeed a strong Woman to be admired.
Love ❤️
Meena
Tulika Agarwal
Vinita Bua, Your wonderful tribute to Mausijee is so well written, enunciated with right amount of expression. Though I never had a chance to meet her, I am sure she was a woman of steely resolve much like her older sister (Mummyjee/ Shakuntala Agarwal), with whom I interacted from 1990 on wards till her death. All these sisters are made of a different DNA, this very DNA propels the girls specifically in the family to be free thinking, independent, educated & spirited women.
I doff my hat to your awesome mother , a grandmother who chose to live life in her own terms in a new country after having lived/conditioned in Indian set up.She chose to bring up her girls to be go getters & instilled in them a sense of pride towards every aspect of their life. She did not mentally differentiate between boys/girls & broke many norms by happily staying with her daughters & sons-in law.
You shall miss her immensely but you are blessed to be carrying her legacy forward & infuse the same essence in her three grand daughters.
Regards
Tulika
vinitagupta
Tulika you have said it wisely and accurately. Thanks for writing.
Pooja Goyal
I remember Sarla mausiji very well…she was always very proud of all her daughters’ achievements…may her soul rest in peace
Serena
You have a rare gift of being able to connect with people through your helpful understanding of how to process life events and the clear love and warmth and empathy you possess. I love so much when you write about what you’ve personally experienced and how you processed it because I then get advice how to think about life and how to approach the hardness, most challenging moments. Part of what makes you such a good public speaker is you ability to empathize and this article really emphasizes just this.
s.k.adhicary - UOR 73
Very poignant . My salutations. May she rest in peace.
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Monisha Perkash
Hi Vinita,
This is so beautifully written, I found it very moving. Thank you for sharing.
Monisha
vinitagupta
Mom viewed her self as a daughter, then a wife and then a mother. She looked for no recognition but refused to get swayed by life.
Deepka lalwani
Vinita, I had read this before, reading it again. It’s bringing my moms memories back. My mom passed away in December 2017 in Florida. You were echoing my thoughts. My mom was a feisty female, first woman in her family to get a graduate degree. She was so ahead of her times and was proud of all her daughters. She encouraged us to follow our dreams. Unlike other moms she never told us – you should learn to cook because you will be married and have to cook for your husband. Now I know I was always a feminist because she instilled the courage in us.
vinitagupta
I did not realize it either until after Mom’s death when I could not stop her memories in captivating my mind.
Sanjay Tripathi
Read about passing of your mom last year thru this post … had heard from your sister, Kumkum, that she liked Ramayan and had thought that I would invite her sometime when I recite at home during both Navratri … but it’s too late now … Good way of remembering someone – nicely written, Vinita ji ! take care,
vinitagupta
Thanks.
Asha
Dear Vinita,
This is very beautiful tribute to auntie. I only had privilege to meet her a few times. My only long conversation with auntie was outside the SSF library where she attended a Ramayana muppets show directed by Pradeep Bhai. She gave me so much love and an advice that would stay with me for rest of my life. Just like auntie, my mother had the same dream for me – independent, strong and stand on my two feet. Two very strong women! Ahead of their time and visionaries.
You, your sisters and three grand daughters are auntie’s fulfilled dreams.
Please accept my belated heartfelt condolences and cherish auntie’ loving memories.
vinitagupta
Thanks for your heartfelt note, Asha.